I sit in my newly rearranged living room, awaiting the onslaught of impending Christmas decorations, with my to-do list in front of me.
And no desire whatsoever to get off my rump and get it done.
I am in desperate need of time to process everything that's going on, time to stop and just listen... listen to anything God is saying to me right now.
I seem to be caught in the whirlwind of everything changing, in what seems like every direction, all at once.
Things I took for granted as being safe and stable in the past, aren't appearing so anymore.
Not that I don't want certain things to change, I've just never thought of these things as... "change-able". I'd never put any conscious mental effort towards the possibility of these things being different.
In other words, I wasn't thinking too far into the future.
What I DO know, is that God is turning a corner. He's doing the unexpected, in unexpected ways, and the only way we can tell is that nothing is comfortable anymore.
Church isn't comfortable any more. (And for many, church has never been comfortable.)
Invitations have been laid on the table, decisions need to be made.
Discipleship, when intentional, feels like a brutal, double-fisted conversation with a brick wall. It's the un-intentionality that's proving to be most effective. And, it's in the unintentional discipleship that I'm being held accountable to what I teach, what I say, and what I live.
What I'm finding is the incredible grace that lives in that space between accountability and the humbling.
Work is changing.
(Hell, the fact that I'm working is enough to confirm that...)
Responsibilities are increasing, as well as the intensity of the relationships.
I've become very close to a few of the women at work, women who are teaching me as much about human nature, the heart of God, and the grace that connects them, as I hoped I could bring to anyone else.
These are women who display & live in a grace I couldn't fathom; as their lives and experiences are very different than mine. I don't even know if they're aware of just how much I see the divine working in them, through them:
not returning hate with hate...
giving sacrificially to the unknown, unexpectedly....
forgiveness...
unmerited understanding...
I am humbled into a silence of admiration. These aren't "church folks".
I'm having to adjust the way I learn, for even now, that's changing too.
I'm having to use my thinker pro-actively now. I should've known; for years I've been under the instruction of incredible teachers, who've taught me that learning is a 2-way street - it involves my comprehension and mental application to information brought forth. (Not just memorization) The way I process it is dictated by who I am, the life and experiences I've had, and who I'm called to Be.
If I don't take the information I've learned and make it personal, or process it into something my brain understands through the filter called "my life", well, then I sound like a regurgitating robot, who has NO idea how to utilize what I've been given, whether it's for myself or for others.
And then, frankly, I'd sound like so many other Christians I've come into contact with, reciting Christian platitudes, yet living completely opposite to all the ways that Christ told us to live.
I'm processing this crash-course God's got me on right now.
How He's teaching and clarifying things in my intimate relationships, usually not until I've screwed something up, then confessing my lack of ability to do any of it apart from Him.
I'm seeing an increase in the number of Christian organizations, of every kind, being exposed for their (dark) religiosities, their hypocrisies.
I can see doctrines- formed out of fear, or the desire to control or correct- utilizing the mis-translations and misinterpretations of Scripture as their goalposts. It's created nothing but a culture of ignorance; spoon-fed baby food, barely satisfying the bone- and soul-deep desire to know and understand more.
And, like a baby, when we cry out for more, we get another spoonful of baby food.
It doesn't satisfy us, but it shuts us up.
One of the problems with this, is that if everyone's getting the same food, (just different flavors) then we're not getting what we need to G.R.O.W.
We're not growing up in our faith, because we've learned to rely on the regularly scheduled feedings.
This is why, after generations of increasing spoon-feedings, we're now living in a spiritually impotent "Christian" sub-culture, who's closest connection to Christ is the name we call ourselves.
So, after all this has been spoken and chewed on, I ponder this new insight as the Christmas season approaches.
God so loved the world (the people of the world) that He gave His only Son...
LOVE.
Hypocrisy cannot exist where Love is...
Love crushes all religion's rules and standards...
And now, FINALLY, I'm excited to see what's coming around the bend.
