I've been struggling to get into words more of the amazing-ness of my weekend with God, which has now been more than a week ago. I'd get some beautiful sentiments down, then be stuck. Unable to move, as if locked in quicksand. Pen moves no more, brain not sending any more signals.
I managed to (try to) get into words the story of Ruth, so soul-stirringly told through the eyes of Boaz. Once I went over it, through numerous editing attempts, I finally came to the conclusion that whatever I wrote sounded so incredibly inadequate, like a caveman grunting.
I couldn't quite get into words the relationship between Boaz and Ruth, which I saw as Jesus and myself. I knew that I was going to name this post "Redemption", but seriously, there are no other words I could come up with, in any semblance of order, to express the true beauty, power and strength of redemption, all while sharing the pain it takes to get there, sacrifice, and death.
So I was so kindly reminded in prayer of a vision I had back in February. So I'll share that instead, since it more than covers anything I could express about my weekend.
Enjoy.
Cry.
Be shaken, be broken.
I was.
I close my eyes in my worship and prayer time, close my eyes to focus on the Almighty, so I'm not distracted by what my eyes see. The music plays, beautiful, intoxicating music; I've prayed with it before. No words, just music, so I can sing my own praises from my heart.
The darkness behind my eyelids gets deeper, darker, surrounding me.
As clearly as if I opened my eyes after a satisfying slumber, I see I'm not in my usual prayer place. The darkness is encircling my view, like those old-timey movies.
At first all I can see is my feet, but I'm standing on sandy, rocky soil. The darkness retreats a little more to reveal more of my surroundings; a rocky desert path, winding its way between the arid vegetation up the hill I find myself on.
I turn to my right a bit, and see that there's a large outcropping of stones and boulders. I notice it's the highest spot around me, and pay it no more attention, as my focus is drawn to the outskirts of the darkness, now quickly fading.
My gaze, in slow motion, moves beyond the stones, down the hillside I'm perched on, to take in the view of the adjacent hillside.
The entire scene opens up to my view now, I'm no longer watching an old movie; I'm in it. Breathing the dry air, feeling the blowing sand hit my skin, hearing the noises. I see the walled city off to the right, and the clouds in the vast sky. I notice the gathering on a low hilltop between the city walls and the hill I'm standing on.
As perception and memory begin to work together, the grim realization of what I'm looking at hits me: three crosses, with three men hanging on those crosses. The center cross is higher, and supernaturally, much much larger. My breath catches as I whisper, "Jesus".
I notice the crowd at the base of the crosses. I see my Savior's mouth move, I see the crown of thorns stuck into the flesh of his forehead and temple. I notice the faces in the crowd, some covered in tears and dirt. I see the roman soldiers, their mocking gestures and sneering mouths, as they tear at various fabrics, as one picks up a spear and jabs it into my Savior's side.
The clouds in the sky are gathering; getting larger, darker, closer together, and more ominous.
The music in my ears intensifies, as if all the angels in heaven are singing together in fervent premonition. Just like the soundtrack in a movie, I know something is about to happen, I know in my heart what's to come.
The clouds darken and build upon one another, following the intensity in music, until only one beam of sunlight breaks through, shining its last light on the center cross.
I see Jesus' lips move in anguish; He cries out, then drops his head onto his chest. At that same second, the beam of sunlight is overtaken by the clouds, thunder explodes, and the immense weight of God's wrath upon Christ physically shakes the earth.
I instantly feel my heart physically breaking in my chest, an incredible, gut-wrenching pain like I've never experienced before. Sorrow steals the breath from my lungs and replaces it with fire.
I just witnessed the death of my Savior...the death I deserved.
As I fight for air, and fight from downing in my own tears, I hear a voice say, "WAS IT ALL FOR NOTHING?"
I weep and weep as my view goes dark, my heart breaking, my face pouring out a tidal wave of tears, my body shaking and trembling from uncontrollable sobbing.
Overwhelmed.
Broken.
The darkness gives way again, I catch my breath, and I quickly recognize the scene. I'm back where I first was, at the top of the same hill, beside the same grouping of boulders.
I see the stone, and now see it for what it is; I know it's THE stone.
I try to take in more of the view, but it doesn't extend any further than the rocks. I notice the lingering shadows of night; it's still early morning, the sun hasn't yet risen.
All of a sudden, a sliver of brilliant white light, almost a pinhole, comes from between the stone and the rocks around it. Just a peek at first, but growing from the original speck of light. It spreads to surround the stone in the foreground. Just like an eclipse, the entire stone is now surrounded with light. I realize the stone is rolling to the side, effortlessly, until the hole left behind is exposed, emitting such a brilliant light; I can't see anything behind the Light.
The the source of Light moved out into the open. I cannot breathe, I cannot even blink. I'm afraid it will disappear if I blink.
Then, as if He knew what I was feeling as I watched, I was flooded with the most amazing feeling of peace I've ever known. That peace filled me and sustained me, strengthened me as I watched Him go.
My view went dark again, and the air rushed back into my lungs. I was completely overcome.
Whew!! I still cry!!
Redemption.
Webster's dictionary has six definitions:
1) To buy back / to get or win back
2) To free from what distresses or harms
- To free from captivity by payment of ransom
- To extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental
- To release from blame or debt
- To free from the consequences of sin
3) To change for the better
4) Repair, restore
5) To make good (fulfill)
6) To atone for
After that, there really is no way to "tie up" this post, no way to sucessfully close. There's no blanket answer, no general rule. Your individual walk and relationship with Jesus will help you finish it, for your life, for your situation, your healing.
God bless.
