I say this with the utmost confidence, deep in my soul feeling of affirmation, that there has been absolute renewal in my Source of Joy.
I just came from a weekend of retreat, a getaway with God, where He lit the spark of pure joy in my heart.
I can't express what I experienced these last few days. Something totally indescribable, unworthy of mere words. I truly experienced God.
A reconnection to the heart of the Father - His heart for me.
A weekend of moments between He & I, to heal wounds, address my insecurities, and to reestablish my identity as a daughter of the Most High God.
I went into the weekend full of expectation- I expected Him to meet me there, a place and time I could devote fully to Him. I expected Him to speak to me, not in the ways that I wanted Him to, but in the ways that HE knew best. My trust in Him, my vulnerability to what He knew I needed, opened the door for ANYTHING He might say to me.
Now, this wasn't a "Moses- burning bush" kind of weekend. It reaffirmed for me, how God loves us, by sending His Spirit to minister to those who need to hear His words, through the people He loves so much~ moment after moment.
I went into the weekend longing for my identity in Christ; something only God Himself could define. Like the artist, when He names a painting, or a sculptor, identifying and defining His treasured work. Plans and purposes...
It's like He met me at the door, waiting for me, welcoming me in. And I'm pretty sure He noticed my anticipation and excitement; He did not disappoint!!
The weekend started in worship. Holy and beautiful moments, for me, have always been ushered in by worship: be it music, be it prayers of praise and thanksgiving, be it quiet reflection of the Creator witnessed throughout creation.
The Lord must have known what a monumentous task I was, because He began his work immediately.
I sat down, very aware of my feelings of intimidation being surrounded by the women in the room. For some reason, I've always been uncomfortable around large groups of women. Maybe because I'm not a "typical" woman.
I've always strived to be me, choosing to stand out in the crowd instead of following the crowd. I'm tattooed, pierced, had multi-colored hair, long hair, short hair, definitely my own style of clothes. I'm creative (in my own mind), I'm loud, and a lot of times I'm crass and foul-mouthed. I'm the kind of woman who likes to do the unexpected. If someone tells me I can't do something, my sole motivation becomes proving them wrong. (see my military career). I'm strong- physically, emotionally, and mentally. And without getting into too many details, I'll leave it at that.
So this was the "identity" I was laying on the table; this was the "identity" I so desperately needed God's help in making it all make sense. My insecurities in the presence of so much estrogen made me feel like my femininity was lacking.
I closed my eyes, and told Him, "Lord I need You." Immediately, the movie screen played images of my life across the backs of my eyelids.
I saw moments from my younger days that spoke to my soul- moments that my conscious mind told me were the moments that shaped my identity. But as the movie of my life played before my eyes, my spirit knew that something wasn't right. My body responded by sending wave after wave of hot tears down my face, dripping into my praying hands, waterfalling onto the floor. I felt like my life was being erased...moments lived in the physical were now devoid of any meaning to me.
I cried out to God as I watched the "old me" die... "Lord, then who did you create me to be??"
I felt my heart nearly explode as He answered my soul-cry: I created you to be a WOMAN." He instantly validated my presence among these other women in the room.
I could feel women praying with me, touching me on my back and my shoulders throughout this whole weepy interchange, as if passing along their acceptance, their love; the Father's love, the Father's acceptance.
Hearing these words from the Lord were exactly what I needed to hear from Him. Even though there were no further explanations, no further details, just knowing that the Father, Creator of the Universe made me to be a woman -
Even without stunning beauty
Even without strong femininity
Even without oozing sensuality
Even without a womb.
The things I associated with womanhood - beauty, gentleness, softness, child-bearing - I've never felt like I've had.
Yet He affirmed me, a woman.
At this very second, I'm feeling a strange kinship with Abraham's Sarah... (Boy, that opens up a whole WORLD of possibilities...)
Back to women ministering to one another.
I know the Holy Spirit was busy this weekend; He sent numerous women to me, to further affirm my identity, to share His love.
Women were telling me my tattoos were beautiful.
(Really?? I never hear they're beautiful. Pretty, interesting, I get those. But never beautiful.)
Women told me my smile is beautiful. That when I smile, my whole face smiles. My eyes smile when I smile. Which makes me smile. :)
Women telling me how beautifully I worship.
(Awe.Some. 'Cause I felt like an idiot. But I didn't care.)
I also saw this weekend, women being who God created us to be. Warm, nurturing, loving. As I would look around, I would see women praying with other women. Women who were crying, being held. And so often, the one who was holding, was crying too. Sharing. Compassionate. Numerous times as I watched the intimate interactions among women, I was broken. I was reminded that women
Each woman who stopped to pass along a message of encouragement, a message of love - I thank you. I recieved each word of encouragement from you and embraced it, because I took it as a message from our Father, delivered by the most precious creatures of His creation:
You.
