I don't get all sentimental at typical celebrations, or on particular dates. Holidays (& holy days) are very atypical for me; our tradition in our house is to not have traditions. Or something like that.
New years is no different. After many years of drunken debauchery, in a rare glimpse of sober clarity, I realized that I felt no different on new years day than I did on new years eve, or the 364 days prior to that, other than the hangover that took me longer to recover from year after year.
Maybe I drank into the new year to numb the impending personal let down; knowing deep down that I'd yet to stick with any new years resolution. Ever. Who knows. Nor do I care; at this point in my life, if I was to go on a new years bender even remotely resembling new years benders of the past, it would take me all of January to recover. And frankly, I don't have time for that.
What I can say, clear-minded, is that just like everything else I've tried to shrug off in the past year, something's different now. Maybe because I'm in a constant state of learning; of history, of tradition, and the meanings and context behind things. This has been the case for my holidays and most of my experiences this past year. As I've learned to meanings of and histories behind specific days, whether seasons or holidays, celebrations or rituals, I've tried to pay them no mind, not let them sink their hooks into this girl.
Alas, despite my best efforts... well, not really. I should say, despite my best efforts at just getting out of God's way, all of these special days on the calendar have been affecting me, but not in the expected ways.
Normal church holidays, for example.
Easter has gone from a once-a-year holiday to a daily celebration; one that has deeply and most profoundly affected my life. Rather than be a day of remembrance, it has become a new way to live. This itself has probably been the biggest life altering mindset change in my life.
The days of Christmas being a consumerist's dream are gone. We only have my stepson on Christmas every other year, and it's been that way for the last ten years. So Christmas has always been a creative holiday, in that we've had to come up with new fitting ways to celebrate. Only a few of those years were "Santa" years. Believe it or not, we've had the most fun in the "not Santa" years. But nothing has ever been consistent in our last ten Christmases together; whether it was the different days we opened gifts, or the different income levels which drastically dictated the thought put into each gift, or even the locations of where we'd open gifts. Even the anticipation for Christmas morning, no matter what day we celebrated it on, has changed. It went from the typical "can't wait for the boy to open his presents"; to the less than spectacular "let's just do this because it's expected" as we each learned about the history of Christmas, the roots of the celebrations, the religious ties, and the cultural contexts; then back to the "can't wait to open presents", as we found ourselves comfortable in the midst of the cultural celebration that Christmas has become in this country.
You won't find anyone in our household jumping on the 'Jesus is the reason for the season' bandwagon. But you will notice two distinct levels of the celebration; one played out to the mimic the American Christmas, and then the deeper, and immense event that stirs the marrow-deep gratitude that can only be manifested in our daily lives in a way that makes our cultural Christmas look like a gross mockery.
Holidays had to be undone, made unholy to me for the obvious reasons. Then God had to re-make them holy in my life.
I went to bed before midnight last night, knowing that when I woke up, it would still be 2015, whether I watched the transition from one calendar to the next or not.
I woke this morning with new ideas. New inspirations, new motivations.
It's one thing to declare what I want to do in the coming year, or what changes I want to make. When I'm the one driving the best of my own intentions, I'm sure to let myself down. But when I give up the reigns, and quit trying so damn hard to do or be something I'm not supposed to be, even if it's just "yet", then I remain surprised at the way life happens.
I thought that I had one big thing coming up in 2015, and that was to return to college as a full time student. That's what I fell asleep to last year. I woke this year with a new anticipation. (I love playing with words, as if last year and this year were separated by anything more than a mere second in the midst of the eight hours I slept.)
The new year I awoke to promises more than I expected. They usually do. In fact, they always do.
I see new projects. Why I'd wake up with a project in mind (that my right mind says will probably be way too much for me) is beyond me. Even if it's for no other reason than to envision the project and immediately ask God how the holy hell I'm going to find time to do this; then realize it's gonna be Him anyways, so why worry.
I had no 'great expectations' of, or for, the new year, other than what I'd already planned. (This year being no different than the last few years, I made no resolutions. I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment by resolving to be or do anything better, or more, or less.)
I'm excited about school, but school itself isn't the passion I'm chasing. But one of these projects keeps my passions moving forward; not out of necessity, but out of desire. Not the end goal, but part of the process.
I knew I'd be getting more deeply involved in community, but awoke this morning with different and new ideas to engage community. My passion for the vision of what community looks like in our setting was stoked overnight by a holy wind, flames building and spreading. Again, not the end goal, but more pieces in the process.
The last few years has been a process of deconstructing what I think of everything, letting go of expectations in order to even be open to learning and extracting what I need. The most interesting thing about it all has been as I've let go of my limited expectations, God's still meeting me where I don't expect Him to, and He's shown up in almost everything I've dismissed. Nothing looks the same anymore.
What a difference a day makes!
