Who are we? Who am I? Who am I, in "we"; this thing called "us"; this "in Christ"; this "Body of Christ"?
As a community that God has put together, we are united in Christ. Shouldn't we know each other? I mean, really know each other?
Paul openly tells us in his letters who he was before his collision with Christ, and he tells us how he can't boast in those things anymore. He tells us he can't boast in those things anymore, because every single one of his accomplishments were from human hands, in order to glorify himself, to draw attention to himself, or to elevate himself in somehow, some way.
I feel the need to open up a bit of my life to you, to let you know who I was, before.
I don't tell you who I was before so I can boast on "how far I've come", I tell you who I was before to let you know that when Christ decided to pull me into His fold, He really had his work cut out for Him!
I tell you who I was before, so you know what it looks like for me to be on the Cross; so that if you notice me slipping, as my brothers and sisters, in the love of Christ that unites us, you can clear your throat, you can give me a nudge, and each of you can help keep me accountable.
Honestly though? Your presence is the biggest help.
How can you do that, though, if you don't know what I look like when I put my flesh to death; if you don't know what me emptying my self looks like? Accountability would seem pointless and powerless, and at worst, can be taken as judgement and attempted control.
So here's the gist of my story:
I was born into a big, loving family; parents devoted to each other and their children. I had a very happy childhood, full of joy, and fun, and laughter, and love. Nothing spectacular in that, except that it was spectacular, to me.
As a teenager, looking back on it, I can see how the more I learned about the world around me, the more my flesh started building. I became more and more interested in what I wanted, with my flesh reacting to that focus on myself. As I tiptoed through my teen years, I was totally unconcerned with anyone affected by my selfish decisions. Alcohol became my courage and I proceeded to drink myself right out of college. God bless my parents; looking out for me, my mom took me out for lunch one day and suggested I join the military. In one of the few moments of clarity in my late teen years, that's exactly what I did.
I rolled into my twenties with new habits, new friends, a new career, and a new false confidence. Out to prove that I knew what I was doing, I chose a career I knew absolutely nothing about, and then made it my life's work to prove that I, a woman, could not just be an aircraft mechanic, but I wanted to be better at it than anyone around me, in every aspect and facet of the job.
I sought acceptance in this new world, no matter what I had to give up to get it... my humility, my self-respect, my softness, my compassion, even my dignity. I took on a hardness, a callousness, that as it developed, it roughed up everyone I came into contact with.
I became a judgemental, manipulative, control-freak.
The persona that I was trying so hard to build left me vulnerable, because it had no firm foundation.
I took on the personality traits of those around me who I saw as "successful", or of people I desired to be like. And believe me... they weren't the positive personality traits. I did it all so I could achieve notoriety and accolades in my career, mistaking my career accomplishments and job performance for my identity.
Sure, there were Christians that I worked with. But anything they said to me fell on deaf ears, because I was so embroiled in my own selfish ambitions that their "Jesus" was offensive and ridiculous to me.
Little did I know, though, they were planting seeds in the parched and cracked soil of my life.
It all came to a head one day, when I realized just what I had accomplished, what I had become:
I was a liar.
I was a thief.
I was a drunk.
I was an adulterer.
I was a murderer.
I would use people for my own personal gain.
I was quick to fly into a slashing rage, I was quick to cut someone down, and I relied on my murderous emotions to get what I wanted. And I had the gall to be proud of that...
I was quick to kill "for God & country", because I hadn't yet realized that I had turned the country I served into an idol; elevated to that status by the monopolizing and deceptive emotions experienced so frequently during wartime.
I needed someone, or something, to save me from myself. Because no matter how fast I ran, no matter how far I went, I couldn't outrun the monster I knew I was.
And Christ found me, hallelujah.
In a slow whirlwind of new friendships, new careers, and new priorities, Christ began His work in my life.
There not has been any instant transformation in my life, like we hear about so often. Learning who God is has slowly revealed more about who I am to Him; and because I'm stubborn, I may or may not have had to learn a few of those lessons numerous times.
Taking time to learn who God is, I was able to shelf the monster in me for a time being. I was able to come to terms with who I am inside, and learn who I have the potential to be; whether in Christ, or not.
I slowly came to understand that no matter what I did to appear 'holy', it was all driven by my selfish desires to appear righteous in front of others, or to try to appease God. And by trying to appear holy, all I was doing was fooling myself, and placing unfair and incorrect judgment on others around me, as if I was the epitome of holiness others should be striving for.
I realized I need Christ, and I need the Cross, in order to deal with the monsters inside. Any and all of my efforts outside the Cross of Christ were useless.
So now, me and God are good! It took me a while to learn that, to fully understand that the person I am is exactly who He created me to be. For me to try to change that, I would basically be taking everything God used to grab hold of me - to show me my own desperate need for Him - and say that it was worthless.
But I cannot stand in who I am alone, relieved that I am saved (Touchdown!); if I am at all interested in what God is doing in this world, in the lives of other people who are just as broken and confused as I was, then I need Him to show me.
He uses His Cross to show me. Using the peace I experienced in knowing that "we are good", the words of Matthew 16:24 came to life, wooing me into a new depth of existence. "All who want to come after me must say no to themselves, take up their cross, and follow me."
Christ showed me just how much He accomplishes through the agony of self-sacrifice; His and mine.
"Take up their cross", huh...
What does it look like when I take up my cross?
When I am on the cross, I am deeply interested in other cultures. I no longer see my own culture as the answer to the problems of the world, or as the smartest or most superior culture. I can see how Christ is everywhere, and how he can use other cultures to express Himself. I can see a bigger picture, one that far exceeds the limits of my own imagination.
When I am on the cross, I am interested in, and focused on the ministry of reconciliation, where God no longer counts people's sins against them... so why should I? And, more importantly, who do I think I am that I think I should be the so-called arm of God's judgment?
Being on the cross, in the midst of this ministry of reconciliation, I am now sharing in the compassion of Christ, that I am physically incapable of doing when I'm not on the cross.
When I'm on the cross, my perception changes. I see people, and the world, through the eyes of Christ.
(Side note - I cannot administer justice until I see people this way, either.)
When I'm on the cross, I express patience, I am slow to anger, and I cannot be offended; because it is Christ living through me, and I'm no longer worried about my self-preservation.
When I am on the cross, I am driven into community, because that is what God is doing. No matter what that might look like.
When I am on the cross, I am not afraid. I am not afraid of who God may put in my path, I am not afraid of what's to come, or what's happening now.
When I'm on the cross, it's not just the opposite of what I would do in my flesh, and it's not just reacting differently to what the world throws at me; it's more than that.
I'll give a hypothetical example.
I walk into a room, and inside that room is a man who is wigging out. Totally losing his gourd. My flesh reaction (based on self-preservation) is to leave the room, or take him out. (I might even claim that the safety of anyone else in the room is my primary concern.)
But if I get on my cross, my first reaction is to see this man like Christ sees this man; here is a broken and hurting man, upset about something. Because it is Christ living through me, and I'm no longer worried about my self-preservation anymore, I now have no reason to be afraid of him.
I'm not worried about judging this man for being upset, or angry, or destructive; Christ is the healer, restorer. The expression of Christ in me, the Jesus-Chantal He made me to be, may approach this man with compassionate words that instantly disarm him; words that never would have come from me had I not been on the cross.
Instead of returning fear and hostility with more fear and hostility, Christ applies the balm of compassion and understanding. Disarmed, this man now feels no reason to continue his raging fit. It is then that Christ can apply the therapy this man needs.
There is no blanket answer for what "being on the cross" looks like. It's different for everyone. It's a growth process, a gradual transformation, custom-made for each one of us; and each one of us expresses Christ differently. As Christ consumes each of us, we become a fuller expression of who we're created to be.
All of these, together, express who God is to the world around us: The I AM, the Alpha & the Omega, the Beginning & the End... it is us, in Christ, who fills in that space between.
Every one of us has come to this community from a different place in life, from different cultures, from different countries, from different lifestyles, with different perspectives and experiences. So we'll all look different on our crosses.
By understanding where we've all come from, and who we are with and without Christ, we can further build one another up; we can encourage and strengthen one another in our community, as a community, so that each of us can go to the places we're called to be.
God isn't fully represented by just one culture or by just one people; it takes all of us together to express the fullness of God. And God has called us together, so that we may link arms, hearts and lives; encouraging one another, and standing beside one another, so that we may express the fullness of God to the world we all come in contact with.
