The last week or so I've been burdened by thoughts, words, stuff I've felt I've needed to share, but haven't had the time to sit down and pound out on the computer.
I think in my frustration of not being able to write, on top of a timeline that's dwindling before my husband starts his new job, well, yesterday SUCKED.
I got home and turned off my phone. I dashed around the house like a crazy lady, notebook in hand, adding to the list of things that needed to get done before his departure for the new job (in less than a week).
**Mind you, when I'm in this mode, absolutely N O T H I N G gets done.
To make myself sound sane to others, I call this my "organization mode", when in actuality, it is my "panic mode".
Sunday? Wonderful. Normal. Had a blast. (Other than not being able to write...)
Monday? Deep end. Full-blown clinically insane. No ability whatsoever to come up with a coherent thought. Couldn't make sense of my emotions, and why they were all bombarding me at once.
Tuesday? Still reeling from Monday's onslaught, just quietly. On my way in to work this morning, I asked God (quite to the point,) what the hell was going on, why I was acting / reacting the way I was.
He still answers my prayers with the unexpected.
One word: Community.
He brought back to me all the different times I've told people what they need is community. How "community" has been at the forefront of my thoughts, my writing, my sharing, my experiences, my life.
He then, gently, reminded me that I'm not above the need for community.
That I'm not only supposed to be the one who bears every one's burdens, but to share my burdens as well.
It's when I shut down, and close myself off, that I need community the most.
See, I've been strong for so long. Part of who I am now has been shaped by who I've been in my past.
I've been taught my whole life to be strong, to be able to take care of myself, to be independent.
And I've finally come to peace with all that, to accept my weaknesses, build on my strengths, sharing both along the way.
I am learning that I talk about sharing my weaknesses with a whole lot of people, but I don't really share my weaknesses. (God, just thinking of doing so makes my chest tighten...)
Interestingly, now that I think about it, it's all contrary to community...
It's funny, God will make something I'm supposed to teach VERY personal before I share it...
So, community of people that I'm part of, (GeoffConnieMikeMelissaMikeyBobbyCathyElizabethGrahamAprilMichaelSuePaulPatrickBrittanyAnnaDon & so many more),
here I am. I have no idea where I'm at, or what I'm dealing with, but here's what's happening, so God can do whatever he's gonna do.
The hubby starts the new job this coming weekend.
For the first time in a long time, we'll be spending time apart.
Being apart isn't an issue, in fact, I've made jokes about it for the last couple months. Defense mechanism? Most likely. But it's nothing new. We were both military, so we all know the deal.
I'm totally cool with his new job. He'll get to travel, and at the right times, I'll be able to go with him.
I'm excited that he's following a dream and that this dream lines up with what God wants him to do. Nothing could excite me more.
I'm excited about the time opening up for me to spend time with the rest of the community, building and strengthening relationships.
I'm excited about the time opening up for me to write, to exercise, to eat healthy, to work on creative stuff.
What is scaring me?
I don't really know right at this moment. But when my vulnerability comes out, which I know it will, I just ask you be there. Because I'm going to need to lean on you all.
(right there... that was vulnerability. Quick! Someone write it down!)
