The Backyard

(Another English journal entry)  

 My backyard has never seemed like solace before, until now, the last three weeks of school.  Just to escape from my desk in the cluttered office, or the dining room table where dogs wrestle under my feet, coming outside is a return to life for me, even if it's into my tamed backyard.
     The rain sprinkling down unnoticed (until it finds the tip of my pen) isn't going to stop me, for there's life in the rain as well.  Besides, the sliding glass door opened all the way, a chair in the opening, and me on it doesn't seem to separate me as much.  I can still smell the air, I can still feel the morning breeze, I can still see unimpeded by glass and conditioned air, I can still hear the mad symphony being played by unseen musicians in the trees.
     Be Still.

     I wonder how it is that spending one clouded morning on my back deck gives more peace than the previous weekend in the mountains.  I went to the mountains looking for something; answers.  At the great cost of disturbing my expectations of peace, I got them.  Answers to facilitation of my calling, which has been weighing heavily on my mind, almost to the point of distraction.
     Maybe peace comes from within.
     I couldn't relax in the mountains, because I had so much on my mind.  Even when I had time to be alone, to think, any appreciation for my view was tainted by my thoughts, my worries, my questions.
     Despite the setting, (which I'm sure may have been chosen to illicit choices and responses out of the sheer magnitude of the beauty surrounding us) nature couldn't be the manipulator here.
     What good is a lake in the mountains if all you can do is look at it?  Looking at it does nothing but awaken the desire to be in it.  To be on the water, whether fishing or playing, swimming or boating; to be on the mountain, hiking or camping, or just sitting and breathing.
     If not intimate and up close, it all looks the same.

     It wasn't until I stole away one morning to the lake shore that I was able to find the peace I sought.  Sitting on the shore, not three feet from the water's edge, I was overwhelmed by God, who showed me the lake as a metaphor for the human life.
     I couldn't write fast enough, the time slipped away from me, and all of a sudden, the clock and the schedule, (the actual reason I was in the mountains) trumped my moment, my observations.

     I've learned more about humanity by observing nature that I ever thought possible, fleshed out with words to a world that won't listen, for the words fall on ears distracted by the high-pitched whine of selfishness and comfort.

     My backyard is coming to life.
     The baby leaves birthed onto bare branches nestled in with the monotony of the pines remind me to look for life among the masses, in the midst of the conformity, among the lives that all look the same from a distance.  Some will bear fruit, such as the persimmon trees, some will offer shade, some flower extravagantly, and some just put forth seed.
     But all of them, together, make up and describe the landscape of my life.

Setting and Success

Shifting; always changing, whether mighty or minuscule; anything that follows God will always be shifting.

Looking around, I see symptoms everywhere of a copying and regurgitation culture.  I recently returned to school and see it in the students.  They'll take an assignment, and spit back out what they took in, seemingly unable to take the material in, think about what it means, and apply it.  I roll my eyes more often than not... it's like the capacity to think has been bred out of us.  Our great "learning centers" have regressed; we have been duped into shelling out the rest of our lives for this "education" now.

The same thing happens almost everywhere.  In the church, we read books by these up and coming leaders, and try to copy and regurgitate their methods in our own settings.  We fail to take into account the setting where they became so-called successful, and even worse, we fail to even consider how something like that would apply in our own setting.

There are "buzz" locations, places where what the institution and leadership calls 'success' is occurring, both in our own local setting, and on the national level.  And that's fantastic.  Really.  I'm glad someone is figuring out how to tap into the potential that's everywhere.
     But what is considered successful and what is considered effective in these places may not apply in any way, shape or form to the setting where you are.

What is 'success' in a church, anyways?  Do you gauge success by the number of people sitting inside on Sunday morning?  By counting the people (who already have everything they could ever need,) except now they call themselves faithful because they gather on Sunday mornings?

If this is your measure of success, then from here on out, you'll probably never see this.  It's just not how God is doing things anymore.
If you can't see how God is drawing us all deeper into Him, and closer to one another, then... well, I'll be nice and shut up.

So how DO we measure success, especially in smaller churches that are strategically placed in areas where the gospel isn't just empty words, but the only thing that brings hope?

Are we tapping into this, or are we just being lazy and doing what we've always done?

Instead of being all proud and boastful of how many people you feed in your food pantry "ministry", maybe what God is doing now is inviting us down deep, in the depths of humanity, to get to the real reason that people need to get food from a food pantry.
     Wouldn't it be nice if there was no longer a need for a food pantry??  THAT could be called success.  (Then the army of people who volunteer to help with the monstrosity that has become the food pantry can actually be doing something to feed someone's soul, not just their belly.)

What if real success is standing side by side with people as they endure all that life throws at them?  It could look like noticing that someone is struggling, or noticing that something is 'off', and making yourself available to them.  Where they do all the talking, and we utilize the ears we've been given.  (I am particularly fond of reminding people that we've been given two ears and one mouth, not the other way around.)
          Instead of preaching to them, we walk with them.  It doesn't matter what side we stand, there's an ear on both sides of our head...

What if real success is slowly, patiently, changing the mentality of entire communities from hopelessness to a mentality of grace, and accountability, and general concern for the well-being of one another?  Where people stand together, united and connected.
     I would call that a kingdom transformation!

When looking at what to do next, it will take a holy imagination, and a whole lot of listening to what God is doing to figure out what is coming.

If we're not tapping into these things, then we'll just see more concrete proof of the crumbling of an institution built by man to honor God, but ignoring Him in the process.

March

In the blink of an eye, time passes.

The most desolate month of the year is gone (thank God), and in its place arrives a command:  march.

The darkness of February brings us to self-preservation; the cocoon is built, the blinders are on, and we close our eyes, all in hopes to weather the storm we cannot escape.

I am a bewildered soldier who knows what the command means.  I question everything about it, for it came with no answers and no clarity, only more of the unexplainable notion of faith.

     Work still has to be done in what was supposed to be periods of rest... will relief ever come.

     Relationships still have to be explained and maintained and nurtured, despite the agony of our brokenness and our misunderstandings and our offenses all being laid bare in plain view.

     The mortally wounded lay grovelling at the feet of the offenders, begging for mercy.  The apparent injustice of it all sickens me.

     'Confession' feels like feeble attempts to soothe the beast; words fail time and time again, so we just stop using them; somehow thinking that things will get better on their own.

The command echoes; the sound it creates is the only peace I know.  I keep chanting it, like a mantra, as it drives a rhythm into me, activating bone and muscle and flesh and neurons into action.

I am in between the first and second step, I think, of my cadence; time slows to an eternal pace as I try to anticipate where this procession leads before the second foot falls.

But, like the predawn sky, the command comes out of the darkness, pushing me.
Prodding.
Driving.

I am too tired to resist.

Road Kill and Funny Hats

     Earlier this month, on my way to school one morning (it was more like every morning), I was lamenting over everything that was happening in my life, and in the lives of the people around me - family, friends, our community.  I was getting ready to hit that magic point; teetering on full-blown overwhelmed, fighting back tears over the magnitude of decisions that needed to be made, and the possible outcomes that could come from those decisions.
     My heart was breaking for those I couldn't be present with; not that I had any special knowledge, insights, or grand solutions to offer; no, I had nothing to offer but myself.  And I couldn't even do that.  Which led to aggravation at the sudden imposition my school work was becoming.
     I know myself well enough to know that these were dangerous waters to be treading in... rather than stretch myself or adapt, I'd just as soon be rid of the imposition.  Be done with it.  Quit school.  Again.  And I could very easily see myself making (and justifying) the excuse that "my relationships with others are more important".  (This is part of my suck, and I know this.)
   
     Driving down the road, there was a dead raccoon on the side of the road, about a foot off the edge of the asphalt.  He was flat on his back with his head turned toward oncoming traffic, as if he was watching the cars go by.  He looked very cartoonish, back legs straight behind him, front legs laid at his sides like arms, his tail whipping in the currents created by every passing vehicle.
     I seriously felt like this raccoon looked.  Bowled over, knocked out.
     February makes me feel like road kill.  Caught in the headlights, frozen, and then, WHAM!

     I spent the next few miles relating to this caricature, distracted enough by it that I didn't notice anything else, nor could if I wanted to.
   
     Until the Volkswagen.
     It was in front of me as I arrived at the next intersection; both of us in the left turn lane.  Nothing spectacular, a newer style Bug; no external adornments, no flashy colors, just a simple, grey Bug.
     Movement in the back windshield caught my eye; a dog: a fluffy white poodle.
     Maybe it was dancing, maybe it didn't like riding in the car, maybe it was unbelievably excited about the world it was seeing outside the box it was trapped in.  Never the less, this dog pinged back and forth between windows in a three second racetrack, over and over and over.  I followed his chariot all the way to the next intersection.

     (Have you ever had one of those moments where you can actually see the atmosphere around you changing?  This was one of those moments for me.)

     The determination of this poodle in car beside me held me captive, until I moved my eyes from the activity in the back of the car, to the activity in the front of the car.
     The driver was singing.  Her head was bobbing, exaggerated because of the mood-changing hat she wore.  This hat was a bowler-type, and purple.  And covered with the most vibrant colored flowers I'd seen in months. Huge, gaudy, floppy flowers that bobbed and jiggled with the motions of her singing and car-dancing.  The silliness of the scene overcame me.
     I suddenly forgot all else.  There was nothing else happening in the entire world at that moment, except this woman singing, the flowers on her hat swirling in rhythm, her hands flying to emphasize certain words, and her dog dancing in the back seat.
     Tensions drained in a moment so quick that the weightlessness of the resulting peace was dizzying; physically altering those few seconds of my existence.  I couldn't help but laugh out of sheer joy.

     Since then, the raccoon on the side of the road has disappeared.  I don't know if some magical road-kill-clean-up-crew came through and disposed of his body, or if, more than likely, he became lunch for something else.  I'd like to think, however morbidly, he became lunch, because then there would at least be some purpose to his untimely demise.  Just like I'd like to think there's some sort of purpose for all the shit sammiches February keeps packing in my lunch.

     Then Lent shows up.  Preparation time; time to give something up.  I don't know if I can do it this year, give up something else.  I don't know if there's anything left to give.
     The usual self-sacrificing messages aren't bombarding me this year, thank God; it's something else.  It's OK.
     It's OK that I'm overwhelmed and don't know which end is up.
     It's OK that I can't even admit I need help, or that I don't know how to ask for it.
     It's OK  that I'm not perfect.
     It's OK that I'm human.

     Not that I can revel in these confessions, but I can take some solace in the fact that the answer for them and to them doesn't have to come from me.  I don't have to search for the answers, nor do I have to produce them.  There's a huge relief in being reminded of that, of understanding that; almost makes me want to put on a funny hat and sing like there's no tomorrow.

     On the downward slope, making my way out of this month, I'm learning that it's okay to feel like road kill.  That when we're bowled over, and feeling crushed by life, there's always someone with a funny hat; so unexpected, so disarming, that all we can do is laugh, or we might break into the dust we came from.
     And maybe, just maybe, it will remove the immense weight of life from our shoulders, even if it's just for a few minutes.
   

February

Spring never seems as far away as it does in February.
    
     February, it seems, is a month of extremes.  Teasing warm days followed by bone-chilling frost and wind.  Quiet health and ravishing sickness.  The days are starting to extend, but not nearly as much as is needed.   Certain times of the day seem to stretch out space;  the yard seems particularly empty, and in its emptiness, it appears so much bigger.  Tricks of the eyes, or the senses, or the sun herself, I don't know.  A smaller calendar, fewer days, yet a constant increase in the number of obligations.
     February always seems to be a month of adversity, a month that runs out of days before it can come up with any conclusions or offer any solutions.  Just as abrupt as the end of this month, so too the disappearance of all that ails in February.
   
     Maybe it's just the hope that comes with March;  a new season just around the corner,  with the promise of more time trapped inside the extending hours of sunlight. 
     It could be the hope that arrives on the heels of the return of color, the putting-away of the death-garb of winter.  The undertones of the next holiday, Easter; something sweet, the promise of new life, the swarm of pastels, and something in the air that tastes like young sounds.

     By February, every blanketed morning sky is just another grim reminder of winter.  'When will it end' seems to never end, lasting far longer than any other time of year.
     The shortness and the busyness always leaves me breathless.  It's almost like I'm the one who has to do all the work to bring forth spring, and when spring finally decides to show her face, I can relax.

     It could be a monstrous combination of all these things.   Or it could just be that I need a nap.

Done with Church? (Part 2)

So.  You did it.  It's official.
No more church.

Now that that's out of the way, you'll have some time to figure out how this all plays out in your life, without at least some of the confusing messages from everywhere around you.  You've got some time to think, if you do that sort of thing.  (You're reading this, so it's probably safe to say that you're already doing that.)  You can think about all the reasons you left church, and where to go from here.

Maybe it became too political; the involved members with the most money to give thinking they could buy the decision-making power, their purse-strings being a direct link to the will of God; but only if the will of God matched their personal desires, thoughts and agenda.

Maybe it's because after that glorious moment that the heavens opened up and accepted you in as one of their own, most often called "salvation", you realized that, in church, you spent more time questioning your salvation instead of moving beyond it, into sanctification.  That salvation was presented as this amazing doorway that was opened up before you, promising mountaintop highs, and a companion that could grant you any wish along this journey called life.  Salvation came, emotions waned away, and the faith spoken of so frequently in reference to the ancients became a dirty word, only because of the guilt and "christian service" attached to it.  I'm sure you've wondered at some point in time, what happens after salvation?

Now that you think about it, you can almost point out what the church expected to see in you once salvation came; quietly slipping in their subtle cultural expectations of you, sometimes making indirect jabs during sermons at the person you are, whether it's how you look, or dress, or how you talk; as if these are the determining factors of whether or not you're "saved".  The thought of the church's preoccupation with appearing normal and/or acceptable haven't left your mind, they've just been suppressed.

Come to think about it, you're not even sure if the church knows, or cares, who you are, where you came from, why you do what you do or did what you did, or even what kind of life you live outside of Sunday morning.  Instead, your tithe has come across as more important than your person.  George Thorogood comes to mind as you realize the similarities... "she said that don't confront me, long as I get my money next Friday".  Never mind the demons you fight to suppress, never mind the struggles you're going through, never mind the doubts, the questions, (pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!)... as long as you give your ten percent next Sunday.
A bourbon, a scotch and/or a beer might even sound good right about now in your thought process, once you realize and accept that there's no one from the church there with you to tell you it's a sin.
Jesus Christ.  (-clink- pop!) 
You didn't think you'd end up here, but nevertheless, here you are.

The sin management means of control you're so familiar with isn't jiving with the paramount notion of grace the church seldom mentions, but you can't help but feel like that is something they should be talking about, and a lot more, judging by how little you know of it.

You might even be getting kinda pissed, like you, and others, are and have been getting fleeced in this whole deal.  If grace is so great, why doesn't anyone talk about it?  Wouldn't grace imply some sort of freedom?  And what does that freedom look like, since you don't think you've heard anyone ever mention it in church?

So, for the first time in...well, ever, you pull out your Bible.  Not out of obligation or duty or expectation, but to actually learn something.  To find answers, just like all the commercials and billboards claim.  Out of all those pages, there has to be something in there that talks about life on a level deeper than a baptismal font.
Your eyes gaze over words, hungering for truth.  It might not happen right then, that first time, but something begins to stir.  You read from books never talked about from the pulpit, and for some reason, it's beginning to make sense.
You come to learn that life isn't about this radical and instantaneous transformation you've learned the church wants, but it's about a life-long process.  No relationship on earth begins at the same level as one that's endured a lifetime; hell, you even realized that the nation of Israel, the people God chose, weren't being transformed right away either, or even if ever!

You can now see that these conversion factories aren't interested in anything other than the conversion, so they pay little attention to the process that gets you there, and even less to the process that begins after you've reached the end-zone they've established.  And if you stick around long enough afterwards, they'll put you to work.
     It's funny how the church took on the characteristics of the people in it, looking to get something from the church.  Or is it the other way around...?

As time passes following your departure from the institution, life throws curve ball after curve ball at you.  None of the platitudes or chants you were taught to regurgitate apply; in fact, you find yourself sickened by your own hypocrisy for even muttering the words.  You've become hyper-aware of the possible thoughts and questioning looks on the faces of others who might hear you.

You find yourself praying out of desperation, rather than obligation, often in disgust, or anger, or frustration.  And to your surprise, you're finding that those are the prayers that seem to elicit a response from a God who doesn't seem quite so far away now.  Instead of perfected and wordy prayers, you've come to rather enjoy the breath-of-fresh-air unscheduled conversations with the One who made you.  For the first time in your life, you don't feel the pressure to change, because God hasn't told you that you need to, after all.

You realize that as the church went from being the 'expression of God in the world' to the self-titled 'sole authority of God's word', it removed the possibility of a relationship with God from the masses, and enslaved its members to its own law once again.
But now, now that you've removed yourself from that, you experience freedom.  You hear the words "there's no condemnation in Christ," but sort of chuckle when you think 'there sure is in the church, though.'

In your conversations with the Big Guy, you discuss things that plague you, most of which end up boiling down to matters of your fear, your selfishness, or your pride.  Or all three.
Yeah, all three.

The immensity of the stranglehold those have on your life bear down on you, and suddenly, the cross doesn't look so bad.  An exasperated, half-joking, "God you'll have to do this for me" lights off a million light bulbs in your brain, one of which illuminates a distant memory that the church never said anything about this.

Welcome to Faith.

Done with Church? (Part 1)

For those who are "done" with church:

You have no idea how excited I am for you!  I'm sure that's probably the last thing you were expecting to hear from anyone, especially since making the decision to walk away from church. 

If you have already announced your decision, in no matter which form, you've probably caught some static from the people around you.  If you haven't made your decision a matter of public record yet, don't worry, you'll be catching all kinds of crap when you do.  Whether it's from the people in the church, or family, or neighbors, or whoever; whether it's in the form of people questioning you, or talking behind your back, or even people completely writing you off and never talking to you again; your social circles will probably change.

This is going to be an exciting time in your life!  No more bondage to Sunday mornings!  One more day on the weekend you can sleep in, one more morning to catch up on the Sunday news shows, one more morning you have to do some recreational Walmarting.  

I totally feel your pain; I have been in your shoes before, standing right where you stand right now.  I know what it's like to be involved in a church.  Have the family involved, be at all the functions, show up when the lights are on.  Doing your Christian duty, doing the God-thing on Sunday mornings, tithing and praying and reading your Bible and serving, or at least trying to...

Yet something's not right.  You can't really put it into words, or even put your finger on what it could be.  There's no fulfillment from any of the serving and attending and bible studies you're doing.  Every once in a while you get the idea in your head that you're really not doing anything more than going through the motions.  This can't be all there is to being a Christian... is it?  

You tried ignoring those feelings, and agreed to push through the uncertainty, listening to sermon after sermon on mustard seeds and proper behavior and giving and being holy and blessings of prosperity, knowing that none of these are addressing the growing void in your gut.  

Depending on your determination to push through this. or your tolerance of self abuse, whatever you like to call it; this "phase" could last weeks, months, or even years.  But when the end of your church-going era comes, you know that you know that you know.  You are DONE.